Home Invasion

I walked into the kitchen at the end of the day and what did I find? My husband standing in the kitchen with a broom. He was not sweeping as you may think. No, he was standing with the broom inverted, wielding it like a weapon and staring down his adversary.

There stood his nemesis, glaring back sideways with its nose twitching and its tail high. A squirrel had gotten in.

Not just any Disney-idealized rodent, but one with a long list of transgressions perpetrated against my noble, plant-loving mate. Many were the seeds this beast had noshed on and even more were the holes it had dug.

Carlos locked in his gaze, squinted his eyes, and in an even and controlled voice said, “My name is Juan Carlos and this is my home. You killed my tequila plant. Prepare to die.”

The demon squirrel faked to the left and ran to the right, but met a timely wall of broom bristles. “Last year you ate my poinsettia, and I forgave you—”

Like a flash, the rodent bolted from the floor onto the opposite countertop. Again it was trapped, now cornered by the refrigerator and a quick save by our hero.

Raising his voice a notch he accused, “You dug up my flower bulbs, and still I forgave you.”

A quick squirm and a leap later, it was in the sink. Carlos slapped a straw roof to imprison the intruder.

Now louder he said, “You broke my avocado plant, and I held back. But now you’ve gone too far. You’ve eaten my tequila plant and broken into my home.”

He paused.

The squirrel held its breath, delaying its desperate squirming until it heard the battle cry.

“This is war!”

Carlos pushed down with the handle as his rival pushed back on the straw end and chewed violently. Flipping and turning the quickly disintegrating broom, Carlos roared like a warrior out of Brave Heart. “Ahhhh!!!!”

The squirrel screeched in horror, tore through the hole it had made, and disappeared out the same balcony door it had used to break in.

Carlos walked out to the balcony and watched the creature run for the trees. “You’ll be back,” he said. And then added twirling his broom, “And I’ll be waiting.”